Hub.mn

I'm sorry. Seriously... I've fucked up so much that I completely understand why you don't want me back. Seriously, fuck BPD, fuck Bipolar and fuck my autistic fucking retarded ass.

Legit, I had some of the best times of my life here, you lot are fucking awesome people. Seriously. Joe, Barnaby, Adam, Nikola, Halian... the list goes on. I just wish I hadn't fucked all this up so badly... but hey, that's BPD for you, one minute I think you're the best and everything's all good, the next I feel worthless, useless and hated... to the point of yet another suicide attempt. All because I woke up in a bad mood...

If anything, I need help. I need to find strategies to cope with all the mental illnesses I have and all the baggage and weight I carry from 22 years of neglect by the system, by my mother and by people in general. It's not fucking easy... especially when one tiny slight about noodles causes me to fly off the handle so hard I fucking burn my god damned house down... I hate myself for that, and there does not go by one day without me absolutely fucking loathing what I did. No amount of justification nor remorse can make me feel any better.

I know you guys would understand at least some of the things I'm saying, which is why I'm here officially apologising for this shit. I just hope we can remain in contact and have no animosity because honestly I'm scared you all hate me right now... and that's making me so fucking anxious I'm literally crying my head off typinfg this.

I need help, and I'm not coming back until I get my life completely sorted. It's just safer for me and a whole lot easier for you guys. Just make sure we can all at least stay in touch. I don't want to lose your friendships.

Yours sincerely,
James

Don't worry James, most people here are more familiar with mental instability than they would care to admit. You're more than welcome to return any time you like. I hope the new year brings you better luck than the last.

I echo Rasmus' sentiments. We've personally talked about things elsewhere a fair bit, so I won't repeat what I've said before. Just remember that not everything that appears to you as a bad thing is necessarily so

So this reply comes a bit late because... well... no particular reason, I just didn't get around to posting it until now. Anyway, I have just one quick, and rather impersonal, point to make.

I'm not coming back until I get my life completely sorted

The thing about mental illness is, it lies, and it leaves all the hard work of finding reasons to believe its lies to you. But that doesn't make the lies any less obvious to others.

You're not going to get your life completely sorted. Nobody can do that. There is no such thing in the first place as a life that's completely sorted. To believe that there is is to believe a lie. You can fix some things, you can find ways to make some of the rest hurt less, you can find ways to sometimes ignore the pain that some of the rest cause. But there will always be facets of your life that hurt you or others.

Actually, let me say something much harsher yet: You don't have a future where you have your life completely sorted, even by your own standards. Some of your disadvantages are immutable, and you will always have to mitigate or work around them. This, too, applies to everyone. But the only people who need to hear it are the ones who say that they think they can get everything sorted.

Hello James. I don't fully know you like the others here. I don't have Discord,phone numbers,WhatsApp Messenger or any other chitty-chatty blah blah blah stuff and I don't usually talk with many of you aside from here when we need to. Well,to be honest...I actually don't talk much outside internet too.
But I always appreciate when someone doesn't hide something and let others know more about oneself or what is happening in one's own life. While not everyone have much sensitivity to hear bad/sad thinghs...I can feel you.
This is because I'm mentally ill as well unfortunately and recently everything is getting even worse at the point that suicide is becoming more a certainty than a simple thought.
Antidepressants? Completely useless. They kept me from crying out of the blue a little bit when I first started to take them in 2012 but then,over the years,looks like I'm just taking sleeping pills only to find myself waked up anyway many times in the middle of the night and not having the mood and strength of waking up the next day.
I gave up asking for help since I'm very different and many people don't understand my habits and needs. People laugh at me every time they see me when I happen to go out for something. Maybe it's for how I look as well.

I must say that Ari is right when says: "You're not going to get your life completely sorted" and "You can fix some things, you can find ways to make some of the rest hurt less, you can find ways to sometimes ignore the pain that some of the rest cause.But there will always be facets of your life that hurt you or others."
I think the important thing is to keep balanced our imaginary scales. There will always be bad things weighting on the right,but it's ok as long as we also have good things that weight on the left. The problem is when too many bad things are weighting on the right while there's to little or nothing on the left.

James,if there are things you think you can sort out,please go for it! Try to restore the balance of the scales..or even making heavy the side of the good things,keeping in mind that on the other side you'll see the bad ones anyway...even if they become few.

If you want to come back here when you feel more relieved,I'm ok with that. I personally can tell you that (as I once told Craitman) being here creating things and making them alive doing my part helps me. It's kind of an escapism too. But it's also true that I had (and still have) some disappointments here from time to time....and that could make things worse. Sometimes it's just us. Sometimes the others. Nobody is perfect. But maybe that is the main reason why I tend not to chat much and just go stright to what I want or have to do here.

Excuse my english and stay safe.